Confession #5: I Have My Own Theories About River Song

This is more an "admission" than a confession, but hey - it's my blog.

Especially with Series Six coming up in a matter of weeks, and a promise that "everything changes," ideas about who River Song "really is" are as abundant as fans who watch Nu-Who (if not more so).  I figured now was as good a time as any to put forth my own.

Perhaps I should start with a brief list of the most common hypotheses that I don't buy.  For example:

• She's the Doctor's wife.  Yeah, right.  They may act "like an old married couple" and there have been hints dropped left and right that they are, but I just can't credit it.  Undoubtedly, there's a romantic (or even just sexual) component to the relationship, but if River is the Doctor's wife, then that is only a fraction of the whole story.  Otherwise, the rest makes no sense.
• She's a future incarnation of the Doctor.  This idea clearly comes out of certain fans' long-standing desire to see a female Doctor, but River Song is no Valeyard.  While she clearly knows how to handle herself in the TARDIS and such, she's much too comfortable with violence in general, and guns in particular, for me ever to believe she's the Doctor.
• She's another Time Lord.  I'm more willing to believe this one than some of the others, but it still doesn't ring true to me.  If she's traipsing around the 51st century, why is the Doctor convinced all through the rest of Nu-Who that he (or, for a time, the Master) is the last of the Time Lords?  Supposedly he can sense other Time Lords, regardless of where (or, presumably, when) they are.  None of that fits with what we know of River.
• She's the Doctor's mother/daughter.  Are these people on drugs?  There is nothing either maternal or filial in River's attitude toward the Doctor.  If there were, then other comments would be distinctly incestuous in nature, which is far too creepy for someone like Moffat to include in a show that is - at least in Britain - specifically aimed at a family audience.  I'd sooner believe the Woman in White from The End of Time had either familial relationship with the Doctor (most certainly not my interpretation) than that River does.

So what are the big clues we're given?  Well, among other things, we're led to believe by dialogue in The Time of Angels / Flesh and Stone that she kills the Doctor at some point.  Various comments through the six episodes in which River has so far appeared lead us to think that at different points in her timeline she is alternately untrustworthy and his most trusted (capital-C?) companion ever.  Aside from copious attitude-based implications from their interactions up until that point, the end of The Big Bang gives another nicely confused hint at their marital status.  Most importantly to me, though, she knows the Doctor's true name.

Ever since Silence in the Library / Forest of the Dead, I've been firmly convinced that knowing his name is the big key.  There's something extremely unpleasant behind River's relationship with the Doctor.  Why else would she preface the revelation of her knowledge with "I'm sorry; I'm really very sorry..."?  That's the most telling exchange we've yet seen, in my opinion.  While some people interpret Ten's admission that "there's only one way I would ever tell anyone my name. There's only one time I could" as evidence to support the Wife Hypothesis, I find it all more sinister.  (It also clearly debunks the Future Incarnation Hypothesis, as he would never need to tell himself his name.)  In what circumstances would it be critical for someone besides the Doctor to know (perhaps to preserve) his name?

I think it has something to do with his thirteenth (and canonically final) incarnation.  Somehow - though through what mechanism I'm not creative enough to contrive - I believe River is involved in extending his regenerations beyond the "normal" limit, probably needing to end his life as Thirteen in the process.  I'll be the first to admit that this is an incomplete idea at best, and utterly off the mark if Moffat's plans don't extend beyond Eleven's tenure.  Given River's off-handed comments about "all [his] faces," I prefer to believe she'll be with us at least until Twelve, and Moffat has assured us that River's entire story will play out on screen.  Whatever the case - and I'm perfectly willing to adjust my own hypothesis as more clues come to light - I cannot be swayed from my conviction that there is something really dark in the Doctor's future with River.

Maybe we'll learn more in the middle of Series Six*, when "everything changes."

*I have a sneaking suspicion that the upcoming mid-series cliffhanger will be all about River and her portents.